I can’t think of title, mostly because I can’t think of a topic I can write coherently about. I hoped by writing out some thoughts I’d come up with something profound, incredibly insightful, or at least funny. Unfortunately the holy grail of humorous enlightenment seems as elusive as ever. While I’m waiting for it, here’s an update.
Anna and I are off. I think for good this time. It’s been two weeks since I left her basement suite. I hugged her, kissed her goodbye, and then nothing more. I still have her summer tires and few other personal items, but other than that, the break was clean and easy. I’ve seen her drive by a few times. I don’t think she saw me, but maybe she did and pretended not to notice. I know that’s what I did. I was going to run up to her, then thought better of it since I realized I had no idea what to say to her. A few weeks ago we were talking about getting married. Well, more accurately she was, but I went along with it since I wasn’t opposed to the idea, ONE DAY, just not now, especially since there was the small matter of already being married so to someone else. I also had the issue of wanting to be alone. Not always alone, just some freedom to be by myself when I felt sullen and miserable, which is pretty often these days.
The source of my never-ending emotional troubles is inability to make a decision and live with it. There, that’s the answer. My #42. I wasn’t able to bring Anna into my life. I wanted to, and I meant to. I just couldn’t do it fast enough. I felt guilty and out of sorts when I was with her. All I could see was the immense task ahead in getting divorced, re-organizing my finances, and rebuilding my social life. I can honestly say I love her and I should want to divorce as quickly as possible so I can be with her. All I wanted was a break. A time out from being beholden to someone. Not forever. Maybe a few months.
I used to cultivate a personal image of a loner. When I was younger I had this notion that women and relationships were for emotionally weak people. That isn’t reality though. I was with my first girlfriend for nearly two years. She wanted to marry me and tried to make me work in Vancouver for a financial institution. Holy fuck, what a stupid idea that was. So I ran away and worked in the bush. Even then, the relationship didn’t die completely until I met my future wife. I was having semi-regular sex with #1, then I jumped right onto #2. We had a good run then I met L. Had I not left town I would have married her, of that I’m absolutely certain. Thinking nobody like L could ever enter my life again, in came Anna.
The problem is that my wife loves me and doesn’t want to let go. In response I want to make her feel better by being nice and supportive. You can imagine how well that went over with Anna. She doesn’t think so, but I get it. I know I’m not, and wasn’t, good at setting appropriate boundaries. Every time I shoveled stbx wife’s driveway or picked up something for her it was taking something away from Anna. I guess so, but in my defense I couldn’t, and still can’t see any harm in doing nice things. It made me feel better at least. Also it wasn’t as if I was sleeping with my wife, I was just trying to get a along better since we were still linked in so many ways. I was a shitty husband, but at least I can be decent ex-husband. It has the added bonus of being waaay cheaper too.
I’m a bundle of conflicting thoughts and emotions. I want to be alone, but that’s not completely true. I want to be alone sometimes, perhaps even often. Yet I still want to wake up most mornings with Anna. I just want the freedom to be a stressed out nut job sometimes. When that happens, I need space. lots of it. My wife learned that early on, and still knows when to steer clear. She could always tell when the anxiety of whatever moment I’m having took over.
Anna is an amazing person. No-one ever been as kind or thoughtful toward me. She tried to do everything she could to hang on to me. Every time I head up my long driveway I hope to see her car there. She still has the keys to my trailer and I always hope she’ll use them. She’d be in bed, or having a coffee waiting for me. But she won’t. For her own sake she shouldn’t. We were going to travel this year once we got everything settled. I wanted to see her dad and granny who live on some island in the middle of nowhere. Now there’s a crazy story. I wanted to have drinks with her on some old Mexican city plaza. I even wondered what it would be like to have more kids. I wasn’t there yet, but I didn’t rule it out, which I guess says something. She is only 35, so it was something that had to be considered.
My wife wants me back. Now that Anna is gone there is nothing stopping me I guess, except I don’t want to go back. She’s happy that I’m not with Anna, which for her seems to be enough. Anna needed more than I could give her. Wife seems only to want that I’m with her or alone. She told me she isn’t jealous or upset as long as she knows Anna isn’t around. So it’s her happiness for mine I guess, at least for the time being.
In other news, I finally got a building permit. First I was going build a place for me, then for Anna and me, now just me again. As much as I have to stop myself from working Anna into my plans, I so badly wanted to give her home she could be proud of. We would’ve had a remote acreage with wildlife, for which she was more suited than I was. I only wanted a sleepy lab I didn’t need to look after and ride-on lawn mower. Now I wonder why I should bother keeping it, except real estate is so stupidly expensive here I’d be an idiot to get rid of it and my kids might want it someday.