Untitled Ramblings

I can’t think of title, mostly because I can’t think of a topic I can write coherently about.  I hoped by writing out some thoughts I’d come up with something profound, incredibly insightful, or at least funny.  Unfortunately the holy grail of humorous enlightenment seems as elusive as ever.  While I’m waiting for it, here’s an update.

Anna and I are off.  I think for good this time.  It’s been two weeks since I left her basement suite.  I hugged her, kissed her goodbye, and then nothing more.  I still have her summer tires and few other personal items, but other than that, the break was clean and easy.  I’ve seen her drive by a few times.  I don’t think she saw me, but maybe she did and pretended not to notice.  I know that’s what I did.  I was going to run up to her, then thought better of it since I realized I had no idea what to say to her.  A few weeks ago we were talking about getting married.  Well, more accurately she was, but I went along with it since I wasn’t opposed to the idea, ONE DAY, just not now, especially since there was the small matter of already being married so to someone else.  I also had the issue of wanting to be alone.  Not always alone, just some freedom to be by myself when I felt sullen and miserable, which is pretty often these days.

The source of my never-ending emotional troubles is inability to make a decision and live with it.  There, that’s the answer.  My #42.  I wasn’t able to bring Anna into my life.  I wanted to, and I meant to.  I just couldn’t do it fast enough.  I felt guilty and out of sorts when I was with her.  All I could see was the immense task ahead in getting divorced, re-organizing my finances, and rebuilding my social life.  I can honestly say I love her and I should want to divorce as quickly as possible so I can be with her.  All I wanted was a break.  A time out from being beholden to someone.  Not forever.  Maybe a few months.

I used to cultivate a personal image of a loner.  When I was younger I had this notion that women and relationships were for emotionally weak people.  That isn’t reality though.  I was with my first girlfriend for nearly two years.  She wanted to marry me and tried to make me work in Vancouver for a financial institution.  Holy fuck, what a stupid idea that was.  So I ran away and worked in the bush.  Even then, the relationship didn’t die completely until I met my future wife.  I was having semi-regular sex with #1, then I jumped right onto #2.  We had a good run then I met L.  Had I not left town I would have married her, of that I’m absolutely certain.  Thinking nobody like L could ever enter my life again, in came Anna.

The problem is that my wife loves me and doesn’t want to let go.  In response I want to make her feel better by being nice and supportive.  You can imagine how well that went over with Anna.  She doesn’t think so, but I get it.  I know I’m not, and wasn’t, good at setting appropriate boundaries.  Every time I shoveled stbx wife’s driveway or picked up something for her it was taking something away from Anna.  I guess so, but in my defense I couldn’t, and still can’t see any harm in doing nice things.  It made me feel better at least.   Also it wasn’t as if I was sleeping with my wife, I was just trying to get a along better since we were still linked in so many ways.  I was a shitty husband, but at least I can be decent ex-husband.  It has the added bonus of being waaay cheaper too.

I’m a bundle of conflicting thoughts and emotions.  I want to be alone, but that’s not completely true.  I want to be alone sometimes, perhaps even often.  Yet I still want to wake up most mornings with Anna.  I just want the freedom to be a stressed out nut job sometimes.  When that happens, I need space.  lots of it.  My wife learned that early on, and still knows when to steer clear.  She could always tell when the anxiety of whatever moment I’m having took over.

Anna is an amazing person.  No-one ever been as kind or thoughtful toward me.  She tried to do everything she could to hang on to me.  Every time I head up my long driveway I hope to see her car there.  She still has the keys to my trailer and I always hope she’ll use them.  She’d be in bed, or having a coffee waiting for me.  But she won’t.  For her own sake she shouldn’t. We were going to travel this year once we got everything settled.  I wanted to see her dad and granny who live on some island in the middle of nowhere.  Now there’s a crazy story.  I wanted to have drinks with her on some old Mexican city plaza.  I even wondered what it would be like to have more kids.  I wasn’t there yet, but I didn’t rule it out, which I guess says something.  She is only 35, so it was something that had to be considered.

My wife wants me back.  Now that Anna is gone there is nothing stopping me I guess, except I don’t want to go back.  She’s happy that I’m not with Anna, which for her seems to be enough.  Anna needed more than I could give her.  Wife seems only to want that I’m with her or alone.  She told me she isn’t jealous or upset as long as she knows Anna isn’t around.  So it’s her happiness for mine I guess, at least for the time being.


In other news, I finally got a building permit.  First I was going build a place for me, then for Anna and me, now just me again.  As much as I have to stop myself from working Anna into my plans, I so badly wanted to give her home she could be proud of.  We would’ve had a remote acreage with wildlife, for which she was more suited than I was.  I only wanted a sleepy lab I didn’t need to look after and ride-on lawn mower.  Now I wonder why I should bother keeping it, except real estate is so stupidly expensive here I’d be an idiot to get rid of it and my kids might want it someday.


Untitled Ramblings


I met Anna in May 2016.  I saw her vehicle and backed into the parking stall beside her.  I thought she was someone else, so I approached her vehicle and realized my mistake.  We ended up chatting and I was instantly attracted to her.  Soon we were making plans to do some fun things.  I figured she was too young and too hot for anything to happen between us notwithstanding my status as a married man.  It took a few months, but I felt compelled to see her and she wanted to see me.  I ignored the sexual tension for a few months, but eventually…..well, I gave into it, and it set off yet another tortured phase of my middle aged life.

After all the emotional turmoil with L, I vowed I would never let it happen again.  I tried to be happily married, but I just couldn’t do it.  My wife loves me and wanted more than anything to stay married to me;  she still does.  I tried to accept it, but I just couldn’t.  My wife, in most ways was (is) the perfect partner who would do anything for me and, it turned out, accept quite a bit of erratic hurtful behavior.  I see all sorts of lonely guys or guys are who are in completely dis-functional relationships.  My wife could probably say that about me, but I can’t.  So, intellectually, I know I have a pretty good thing.  The problem is knowing it and feeling it are different things.

Anyway, back to to my recently ended Anna saga.  I told my wife I wanted to move out that summer of 2016.  I didn’t want to meet someone, and honestly I didn’t ever think I would, so it was a promise that seemed easy to keep.  Anna popped into my life and suddenly there was an option, that on paper at least, seemed like a dream come true.  Since then I have flipped and flopped.  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been with her, then broke it off.  It was 5 or 6.  There was even a brief time when we tried to be friends, which didn’t work at all.  I’ve written before about how it was the end, except it wasn’t.  Anna loved me and kept coming back.  More accurately I kept bringing her back, and trying again (and again) to make it work.

I moved out this fall to my rural property and I was finally free to enjoy being with Anna.  I wanted so badly to be the person she needed.  Anna has an intriguing life story that I wanted to be a part of and it seemed, at least for a while, that I was going to be.  But then it didn’t.  I just couldn’t get over the guilt and shame of what I was doing.  I was pretty honest with my wife.  I didn’t tell her every detail about my relationship with Anna, but she knew I wanted to be with her.  The problem is that that I felt like I was abandoning my family by doing what I wanted, which of course I was.  At some point Anna needed to meet the boys and all my friends as my partner, not just “some girl from work”.

The other big obstacle to entering into a new long term relationship with Anna, was my desire to be alone.  I don’t want to be alone all the time, but there are times when I need space.  I never realized how much I was alone in my marriage until I was with someone else.  My wife and I could go months without seeing each other.  A small text occasionally would suffice.  Other than that, neither one of us needed or wanted anything else.  I think I became too accustomed to my “freedom”.

Anna left me last week.  I wanted to bring her back and I probably could have talked her into it, but it wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us.  We had an emotional and physical bond that was incredible.  I can’t imagine how I’m going to be with someone else ever again.

Which brings me to my wife and I.  I’ve been chased off my mountain hideout by shitty weather.  I had to come home after flooding wiped out power and water supply.  My wife is happy that I’ve been around.  She’s even been bugging me for sex.  Holy shit, did I just write that.  Well, it’s my blog I can write what I want.  Just a week ago I was having amazing sex with the woman I love and now I’m staying in the spare bedroom keeping my wife at bay at night time.  I have to think the whole situation is causing too much damage to me.  I used to cultivate a private and public image of a self reliant loner well above the fray of destructive relationships.  My marriage, except for maybe the first year, was pretty devoid of passion, so I didn’t have to change my self image by being a husband.  Now I’ve been involved in 2 affairs and had 3 beautiful women tell me they loved me.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.

The whole experience has left me stunned.  When I ended things with L, I was an emotional wreck.  As I wrote back in 2014, I was nearly suicidal.  On the bright side, I’m emotionally stable again.  I can say I love Anna and I mourn her absence, but the over-the-top emotional reaction isn’t there.  I suppose it’s a sign of maturity that I didn’t possess back then.  The problem now is that I still haven’t figured out what I want to do.  I know I can’t stay married, but I can’t stand the thought of hurting my wife again.  Of course sleeping in the spare bedroom with the door locked is hurting her, but at least she’s happy I’m not with Anna.  I think the power and water will be restored today, so I can return “home”.  Then I’ll really be alone.  I don’t want to be, but I also can’t figure out how to be with someone.



……Part 3

This is going to be a short post.  I haven’t had much time given the relative chaos in my life:  Anna, Wife, kids, house building, forest fires, work….It’s all been a bit too much.

It’s been quite a year.  We thought we had it bad in the West with wildfires then the hurricanes hit, and the big earthquake in Mexico.  And don’t forget, Veracruz got hammered with a Hurricane too.  Lots of places get hit with natural disasters and I don’t usually care, but I’ve been to most of those disaster areas at some point in my life so I have a slightly personal perspective on it.  I say all this because my personal problems are small in comparison.  I wasn’t flooded out, or burnt out, or had a roof collapse on me.  I may be a mess, but I’ve managed to keep in perspective.

There needs to be some sort of tidy conclusion to the mess that’s my current life, but there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight.  Anna and I have been on and off since my last post.  For now we are off, but we’ve gradually resumed contact after some dramatic events last month.  I can seen things getting out of hand again with her.  I don’t think she’s right for me, but I miss her.  We’ll have to see what happens.

I’m at home again after leaving, coming back, the leaving again.  I might have left out a leave-return cycle, but you get the idea.  I felt controlled and pushed around by Anna and Wife when what I really wanted was some personal space to figure things out.  I wound up back at the house with my Wife after she confronted Anna and basically beat the crap out of me.  Don’t worry, it sounds worse that it was, although from an outside perspective (Anna’s in particular) it looked like I was an abused spouse.  It’s a topic for another time, but the lesson is that domestic abuse IS different for men than for women.  No matter how we try to pretend the genders can be equal in society it just isn’t a safety issue for me.

I need the freedom to make mistakes and be by myself, which was the goal all along.  I’m almost ready to move up to my new place.  For now it’ll be an RV until the house is ready.   I can work all day without having to pack everything up and take it home.  If I do end up separating from my wife for good I won’t have to rent a place.  Best of all the boys are looking forward to staying there with me.  As much as I look forward to being on my own at night (I actually dream of being alone at night) I dread the big decision coming because I’m pretty certain Anna will be coming to join me.


……Part 3

(Not) Unlucky In Love – Part 2

I dropped a bit of bombshell on my last post and I think it deserves a little more explanation.  Be warned, this post is a bit rambly as I still struggle to find meaning from everything that happened.

Last year at about this time I finally decided I was going to leave home for good.  There wasn’t any big blow-up between my wife and I or any dramatic event, but I wasn’t happy.  I felt stuck and honestly, I still hadn’t gotten over L no matter how much I tried to convince myself I had.  Wife didn’t want to move with me so it seemed like an easy, amicable split with two people going in separate directions.

The first step was to get moving on my new house.  I’m pretty fortunate in that I have some money, so separation and divorce wouldn’t be the same financial trauma for me as it is for most people.  It would still sting, but I’d get by without having to live in a run down trailer park or shitty basement suite.  It’s a rural property so I started the process of getting the necessary permits with the various government agencies.  The plan was to be out of the house by the end of Summer (2016).

Things started out promising.  I was making progress, then the permitting process stalled.  One useless government agent after another decided they wanted something else.  Then my mother went to the hospital with terminal cancer and had to move out of her townhouse.  I took the opportunity to put some distance between my wife and I and moved into my mother’s place with the excuse that it needed work before it could be sold.  Without looking for it, without wanting it, “she” came into my life.

I met Anna at work.  We were immediately drawn to each other.  At first it seemed so innocent.  She was (still is) very attractive, liked to do fun outdoor things, had an incredible life story, and was way too young.  I thought spending time with her would be safe since nothing would ever happen.  There is no way a 34 year old woman would ever be interested in a worn out 49 year old married man who was in the middle of a personal disaster.  I made it clear I wasn’t looking for anything and never once tried to advance our developing “friendship” to something else.  Well, good intentions weren’t enough to stop the run-away train.  The more time we spent together…as friends….the more time we wanted to spend together.  Throughout the summer I’d cut our visits short when I felt the tension getting out of hand.  Then one afternoon I lingered a bit too long.  We went for hike, dinner, and spent some time visiting at her house before I had to run away.  I didn’t get away in time.  She broke the touch barrier first.  It was like a bolt of electricity and we basically attacked each other.  I wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t stop.

I’ll gloss over some of the details, but from that night in early August we went from casual acquaintances in June, to thinking about being life partners by October.  There seemed to be no limit to how far we could go with each other, physically and emotionally.  She was everything I thought I ever wanted, or at least I thought she was.  She was deeply in love with me:  at least that’s what she told me.  I think I loved her, but I also realized it wasn’t going to work.  I liked being around her, she was a good partner, but I could never rest with her.  I always had to be “switched on” with her.  She didn’t sleep.  It was sex all night long, then activities all day.  She NEVER stopped.  I appreciated the attention and her doting, but it was tiring to always have her present.  I think it could have worked if I was able to disconnect from old life, but I couldn’t and never would be able to.  My old life was too messy to walk away and still be a responsible adult.  How would I introduce her to my boys?  They met her, but as my friend, not their future step mother. It was a leap I couldn’t make.   There was also the dread I felt about introducing her to my network of friends.

I also realized just how much of a loner I’d become being with my wife for 25 years.  Anna would get up in the morning and see me off to work and hand me the lunch she’d stayed up late to make for me.  She’d clean my clothes, and have dinner for me when I’d come home.  I’d been doing all that stuff on my own for decades.  It didn’t feel right to have someone do it for me.  I wasn’t really single yet so I wasn’t ready to jump into a new relationship, especially one that was getting so serious so fast.  Then there was the whole optics of dating a woman who looked 20-something and was by any objective measure, hot.  I just didn’t feel comfortable with the comments and stares when we were out in public.  Then there was the pressure to keep performing.  In 10 years I would be 60 and she would still be a relatively young 44.  There was no way I could keep it up since I was already tired all the time.  From her perspective, I was the most energetic guy she’d ever dated, but it was all an act.  Once the euphoria of being with her started to wear off I felt completely drained all the time.

To add to the chaos, my wife decided she wanted me back. At first she seemed happy.  Well not really happy, but at peace with the fact that our marriage was finally done and we could move forward.  Then she changed her mind and dug in for the fight.  She decided she wanted me back and pursued me.  For most of the Fall and Winter of 2016 I was being fought over by two women.  Sounds like it should be flattering and ego boosting doesn’t it?  It isn’t.  It sucks a lot.  In the end the universe conspired to put me back home.  I got sick, work overwhelmed me, the sewer line collapsed at my temporary house, my wife’s father died, her (our) house had an emergency, and my boys needed me.  It was too much and I gave in.  Anna gave up trying to hold onto me and I let her because I needed a way out.


Continued in part 3…..




(Not) Unlucky In Love – Part 2

(Not) Unlucky In Love – Part 1

I think I’m going to close down this page soon.  I hardly get any traffic, my story isn’t all that interesting, and the emotional distress I was feeling has mostly passed.  I still think I’m pretty fucked up, but I don’t lose a lot of sleep over it these days.  Maybe it’s just acceptance.

This past year has been a fucking doozy.  Except for one, all my parents, both natural and in-law are dead.  I reached out to L to try to resolve an un-resolved issue between us (I shouldn’t have), and I’ve been working on building my new house.  Just to add to the disorder in my life, I left my wife, met a new woman, started the process of moving in with her, only to have the relationship dissolve, and find myself back with my wife.  Yep, it’s a mess.

I wasn’t going to tell my story, because I felt too embarrassed by it all.  I’ve gotten to know a few of you personally and while no-one has been too judgmental, I figured the events of the past 6 months would push even you understanding souls over the edge.  Mostly I hoped the problem would go away and I could forget about.

I’ll have to write a bit more about this because it’s led to some insight into relationships…at least for me….that I’d like to share, but here’s the rough outline.  I started my building project almost a year ago.  The goal was a gradual removal from my wife.  I had not plans to meet someone.  I’d build my new house, I’d move out, she wouldn’t come, and we’d gradually get used to the idea of living apart.  It seemed to be what she wanted, and I figured that’s what I needed.  We’d share responsibility for the kids and have a “good” divorce, if such a thing is even possible

That’s not quite how things turned out.  While in the middle of building (I’m still not done) I met an amazing woman who was way too young and attractive for me.  Whatever she saw in me it overcame whatever hangups she must have had about dating an old guy and she decided to pursue me.  It seemed too good be true.  I was leaving my marriage and there was the woman of my dreams right in front of me.  I’d take up right where I left off in my marriage.   It only strengthened my resolve to get out on my own.

At first I resisted, then I tried to make it work.  I wanted to make it work.  The sex was amazing.  She checked all the boxes.  She had a good job.  She was hot.  She had just the right mix of feminine and outdoor adventure.  We did a lot together.  And I thought, at first, she was it.  But she wasn’t.  I knew pretty fast that she wasn’t the one.  Something was just a little off.  She is in love with me, but I didn’t, and don’t feel the same.  As fucked up as I am I still love my wife.  I missed her and life we had despite the dis-function.  At first my wife seemed relieved to have me gone, but after considering her options decided she wanted me back and made it happen.   In the end I became a passive participant in the whole drama.

Over the course of two years, I’ve broken the hearts of two women.  I guess I should say “we” since my wife has played a part in this nonsense.  It’s not exactly a position I expected to be in, but I suppose it makes life interesting.  I listen to people at work (and blogs) moan about dating and their relationships.  One thing I can say is that I haven’t been unlucky in love.  There’s been more than enough of it so far.

Anyway, off to counselling.  It’ll be interesting to see what she has to say about it all.





(Not) Unlucky In Love – Part 1

Falling Apart

Lately my wife and I have been getting along swimmingly.  Still no sex unfortunately…..

An issue of immediate concern is that I feel like I’m falling apart.  It adds to the general sense that I’m running out of time and need to make changes before it’s too late.  And speaking of running, that’s the immediate issue.  I was always a decent runner.  Not anymore.  My Achilles and hamstrings, both right and left, feel permanently damaged.  I have arthritic hips, and my right shoulder is jello.  I still head out for run most days, but I’m turning into a plodder.  Not a lot of spring left in my step.

I went through a pretty bad time in my early 30s.  I was very sick, I blew out both my knees and ankles, quit living, and my weight ballooned as a result.  It felt at the time that I was still in control of my health once I started getting back into shape.  I’m not in control anymore.  I’m not going to get any faster, or any less sore.  I don’t want to give up, because if I do, I probably won’t be able to get my fitness back, but I hate having my the muscles in my ass throbbing all the time from overuse, or in my case just use.

Since my late teens I’ve been the guy who was physically a little bit stronger and faster than most of my peers.   Last month I did long distance hike and was put in place as the old guy at the back of the line.  It’s not a bad place to be, but it will take some getting used to.   I need to reassess who I am and where I fit in.  Maybe its the feeling of my mortality setting in.  I’m not particularly depressed about it or spend a lot of time thinking about it, but it’s there, in the background.  Maybe it’s the notion that there’s less time ahead than behind me.   Way less.


On another unrelated note, I finally got plans back from the engineer for my new place.  The project has been stalled for months due to issues with a local government agency.  I printed them off and completely forgot about them.  My wife found them and asked if I was going to tell her about it.  She didn’t believe me, but I really did forget about them.  We’d had a plan basically to not hurry and spend money foolishly.  With the last barrier out of the way there is a real possibility I’ll be moving out in the not to distant future.  With the project on hold we had put away our marital problems for the time being and stopped talking about separation.  It’s hard to believe what an emotional trigger some barely decipherable auto cad drawings can be.



Falling Apart

When I was 50 I should have…..

Despite the tone of my previous posts, I haven’t gotten any closer to separation or divorce.   There are a bunch of reasons.  I’m not sure if any of them are any good, which ultimately makes them excuses for inaction.  The main problem I have in trying to move out and move on is that my wife is pretty cool.   Makes it hard to walk away from her.  Maybe she feels the same.

We’ve been drifting through life as if we are “forever” when we might not be.  We bought a new car yesterday.  We went to the dealership as a well put together middle aged couple without money problems.  Most of my life has been on the cheap.  I bought a piece of shit house that needed rebuilding.  I’m still not finished.  All my cars and work trucks needed fixing, were under powered, too small, and unsuitable.  The only important important criteria seemed to be inexpensive.  Not yesterday.  We bought what we wanted.  Well, what she wanted, since it’s going to be mostly her car.  She made it clear that when we split she gets the car so we ordered the color she wanted.  It was all quite amicable;  I can drive it to work until then.

My wife has this quirky hobby.  It might be a business that one day pays for itself, but right now it’s just a fun past time rich people with spare time and new car can indulge in.  I was helping her the other day with construction of some of the equipment.  I watched her bouncing around in the field and holy shit she looked hot.  Striking actually.  It floored me just how attractive she is.  And she’s getting better.  She’s still a 49 year old woman with saggy tits, grey hair, and a few extra wrinkles, but it all seems to work on her.  I see other guys notice her too.  I like being out with her.

It’s become a bit of an inside joke between us lately that we are like a newly dating couple we spend so much time together.  People have noticed.  Someone made the observation that we seem so happy together now.  I think this person was a bit jealous since she is very obviously miserable in her marriage.  She witnessed some of our dreadful behavior toward each other years ago so I guess the difference is noticeable.  What people don’t see is the complete lack of affection.  We really are best friends.  I think it works for her, but I’m the one missing something.  The question is how far I’m willing to go to fill the one missing hole in my life.

I went through the dreadful experience of an affair and won’t do it again.  I’ve mostly put the whole experience behind me, but I was witness to the immediate aftermath of an affair a few days ago and it brought back some old feelings.  Typical story.  Guy in unhappy marriage leaves his wife for new girlfriend who is also unhappily married to someone else.  Lots of angry weepy emails and text messages.  Insults. Excuses. Lies.  Police involvement.  Yuck!!   No judgement here.  I get it.  I went through my own Jerry Springer moment so I understand how feelings and emotions get out of control and lead to irrational decisions.  Not that I needed any convincing, but never again after witnessing that train wreck.  I’m pretty sure I’m better than that.

So, what to do?  I kind of feel like I’ve been friendzoned.  Can that happen in a marriage?   Apparently it can.  A major theme of this blog is to try and be better.  Make better decisions, and use this whole episode as something I can learn from.  Looking back, it was probably too many years of restraint that led to my affair.  I always thought things  would improve, or L would go away, my wife would leave me first, or something would happen and I could avoid making a hard decision.  By the time L came around I would have fucked pretty much anything.   I’m not actively, or passively, seeking to have my needs met somewhere else.  I’m not in contact with other women, even platonically.  My current office is mostly devoid of suitable women to sleep with (there is one exception) so there isn’t likely to be that slow burning office romance I’ve found myself caught up in before, but….  In the spirit of self-reflection and self-improvement, I might be setting myself up for failure again unless something changes.  And those changes are going to have to be initiated by me.  They are going to be difficult, painful, and expensive.

When I was 40 I looked back and thought 30 was so young.  I didn’t have regrets, but wished I’d done things differently.  When I was 30, I looked back at the choices I made when I was 20 and thought, what a fucking idiot I was and definitely wished I’d done things differently.  Looking back at my 40s my wife and I should have stayed separated, but we were both afraid.   Afraid of being alone.  Afraid of hurting the kids.  Afraid of the financial costs.  Afraid to hurt each other.  Afraid to be the bad one.  When I’m 60, do I want to look back at 50 (coming soon!) and say, “I wish I’d done it differently.”  I’m supposed to be older and wiser now, although it sure doesn’t feel like it most of the time.  I’d like to have guilt free sex again with someone who wants it.  It’s been 2 1/2 years since I last had it and I miss the experience.  I don’t think she realizes it, but she will be inundated with men trying to get between her legs once I’m out of the way.   Then we’ll finally know the answer to the question, “was it me all along?”

I think I’ve aged well enough to have romantic options if I find myself single again, but who knows, it may be wishful (delusional) thinking on my part.  Is it worth the cost to find out?  Sleeping in the spare bedroom so we avoid touching each other doesn’t seem like the best way to live from 50 to 60, just like it wasn’t from 40 to 50.



When I was 50 I should have…..